January 4th, 2012
|10:10 pm - Codependency and Me|
Thanks to PJ, I have this year's project for becoming more me.
I am rather profoundly codependent. I didn't realize this, because the term to me really only meant "helps the drunk stay a drunk" and in my case that wasn't the issue. No, in my case it is that I'm a Fixer. I fix everything, and everyone, and I take care of everything and everyone even when it is to my own detriment.
The answer to that is pretty complicated, but it isn't a rare story I'm sure. In the particulars, perhaps, but the overall story is probably pretty much The Story of how we wind up this way.
Age 4 my Pop was in a massive semi accident and should have died, but he didn't. Less than a year later he was in a second semi accident, again he should have died, but didn't. However, he sustained a major brain injury that led to 8 years of him being frankly nuts. He was short circuiting and during that period the man I called Daddy vanished entirely and the man who would become Pop didn't really exist. He was not someone you would like to know or even know much about.
It is during that period that I developed my codependent behaviors. My need for control and for everything to be just-so and as close to perfect as possible found fertile ground, and the fruits of those long-ago-sown seeds are some pretty unpleasant fruits, I'll tell you.
Anorexia, for starters. While I've learned to eat, the urges, the disordered thoughts, they remain and it takes everything I have to overcome that.
Years spent in a marriage with a man I loved and yet who was not right for me. Ken and I were great friends, but our marriage was built on my ability to keep up appearances and fix or control everything. Our marriage worked because I MADE IT WORK! *sniffs* Yeah.
Then there's my kids. I've been there for them above and beyond the call of motherhood.
So, here I am, middle aged and wanting very much to be ME. No apologies, no hiding any part of who I am, good or ill. And I have this journey I've embarked upon. The following statements of what I will do over the coming year are positive statements only.
I will accept compliments and accolades when given simply. I will accept others good valuations of myself as they're offered. I will enjoy these compliments and the good feelings they cause. I will say thank you.
I will spend time only with people who want to spend time with me. I am worth spending time with and those who choose to invest their time with me will know this. I will let those whose value for me is insufficient drift away, for that is how it should be.
I will face my problems with honesty and integrity. I will show my feelings as they exist. I will allow myself to openly express all feelings, for doing so is right.
I will put myself first when that is right to do. I have value, and thus I will value myself.
I will be myself, as I am right this moment.
I will let go of the past and live in the present.
I will make mistakes. I will learn from them.
I will Do Things. I will become and remain active in any ways I can that appeal to me.
I will take chances when opportunities present themselves. I will be afraid, and I will still take those chances.
I will make new friends.
I will feel blessed and grateful for who I am and what I have.
I will take time to breathe, to meditate, to ground and center,in the midst of the maelstrom.
I will make new paths.
I will buy myself flowers.
These are things I will do for me. I will do them because I deserve happiness, I deserve health, I deserve peace-ability in my life. I will do them because they will make my life and the lives of those I love better in the long run.
It will be challenging for those around me who are accustomed to me fixing everything, I'm sure. Still, it is what is right and good and proper and I will.
this is hard. but the pay off is worth it. imho.
Indeed, it is.
I will note that a certain amount of codependency is not only normal but healthy. It's when it gets to the point of diminishing one person in favor of others that it becomes unhealthy.
And that is where I've been for most of my life. Time to get healthy. :)